Saturday, August 6, 2011

Right Here, Right Now

Shenanigan in her favorite chair.

I have been busy trying to accomplish the goals I set for this summer, specifically the gardens.
Yet another tragic event stopped me in my path and reminded me that I am right here, right now and that the future is not as important as the present.
My darling, beloved Shenanigan kitty passed this week.  I was forced to make an utterly dreadful decision, a decision I will regret for eternity.
I brought Shenanigan to the vet this Tuesday, believing she had a bad tooth and that she would be better once the vet corrected the problem.  When he examined her he told me it was not a bad tooth but a jawbone tumor.  I didn't grasp it at first but then the tears came.  His face told me what I needed to know.  He suggested we take an xray so I waited outside, sobbing.  I tried to call my husband but he wasn't answering his phone.
After ten minutes I went back in.  The vet summoned me.  He showed me the xray images of Shenanigan's jaw. The tumor was aggressive and cruel.  My beautiful angel was suffering.  The past few weeks flashed before me.  Shenanigan had been suffering and in my haste to finish my projects I had not noticed the depth of it.
I should have sung to her more.  I should have allowed her to eat the junk food that she so loved.  I should have brought her out to the garden and let her wander under my supervision more often. When was the last time I sang her song to her? Two weeks?  One week? Oh God!  I need more time to show her I love her!
Again, my trusted veterinarian looked at me .  "She's suffering", he said.
"Now?"  I asked?
He shook his head.
"May I hold her?"
She was still under the effects of the sedative and they gingerly handed her to me.
I wanted to scream and cry and throw a fit but I held her and I told her over and over how much I love her.  How she made my world a better place. I cried so much her fur was saturated with tears.  Then I felt her heart stop.  Just like that.  My beautiful, beloved Shenanigan was gone.
I don't know if she heard me.  Her last hour in this world was filled with fear and pain.  I wish I could get her back.  I know that's selfish but I want her here with me.  I wasn't prepared to say goodbye.

I remember the first time I saw Shenanigan.  It was 10 O'Clock at night and she ran past the door of our townhome.  I ran after her.  "Kitty, kitty!"  I crooned.
She disappeared.
I put food out but I didn't see her again.
Two weeks later my husband and daughter were walking home from the local park.  Unbeknownst to them they had a tagalong!  The fluffy kitty that I had seen two weeks before!  She was so thin you could see her ribs!
"Go! Go into the house!" I whisper yelled to my husband.
I swept up the kitty and walked her around to the garage.  As I opened the automatic door she clawed and scratched her way out of my grasp.  The sound of the door had frightened her!
I ran as quickly as I could into the house and grabbed a tin of cat food.  I ran back out and scanned the driveway.  She was still there.
"Don't be afraid, kitty.  I won't hurt you".
She came back and ate the food.
I brought her into the guest bath and she stayed there for weeks, leaving occasionally to go to the vet.  I was concerned that she would never become part of the family.  She was so shy.
I sang to her daily.  She even has her own song.  I am ashamed to say I didn't sing her song to her at the vet because the staff was watching and I was embarrassed.  That song gave her so much peace.  Instant "rumblies"!  Rumblies is the word Gracie coined for cat purrs.
Shenanigan eventually overcame her shyness.  She slept with my husband every day (he works nights).  Though my husband claimed he "hated" cats he would gently lift the blanket when she jumped on the bed and wait for her to settle on his chest.  Eight hours later they would wake up together and come downstairs for breakfast.

I miss you, Shenanigan.

Here are the words to her song...

I love you Shenanigan
You are my friend, Shenanigan
I'll say it again and again and again
You are my friend, Shenanigan
I love you, Shenanigan

21 comments:

  1. I am so sorry! My heart hurts just reading this! Our sweet fur babies play such a huge part in our lives. She knows she is loved and that you felt she was special. That last hour can't take that away. I am sending you a hug tonight and will take the time to give each one of my babies some extra love...hugs...Debbie

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  2. what an absolute drag. so sorry to hear about your lovable fur ball of sweetness's passing. you have so much love for animals; it's obvious why you were chosen to be her owner. be strong and may you find peace in the busyness of life you've had this summer to get you through. thanks for sharing with all of us...

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  3. Ms. Divine. I wish I could hug you and hold you and tell you all will be better tomorrow. I am afraid it might not be, You see, I went through this very same thing a year ago with my 15 year old beagle girl, Prissy. She had been sick for awhile. She too had a tumor. It was a slow grower for years and all of a sudden it started to grow fast, She got down, we went to the doctor, shots,pills and what ever else, she seemed to be so much better for a few days. On the next weekend she went down again. I begged her to hold on till we could get to the doctor on Monday. Me and her slept on the marble bath room floor where it was cool, it was a very hot summer, June. On Monday we went to the doctor. She walked in,but never came out. It all happened so fast, I went into shock. I was crazy for several days and it still hurts. I always wonder if I did the right thing. If only she had not walked into the doctor's office. It does get a little easier. And the best miracle of all was a few months latter when Sissy Dog showed up on the doorstep. December, snow, ice, cold. She was lost, starving and scared. I always knew that Prissy Girl sent her to me from dogie Heaven. I can just hear her saying, go over there, he will love and take care of you. Half the time ,I call Sissy Prissy. It doesn't matter as in a way ,they are the same. I just want to shut up now and say, you are not alone. A lot of people love you and are there for you. Another little baby will appear from out of the blue, sent to you from Heaven and you will learn to love them even more. No, you will never forget. Just smile and remember, all the good times and love that you received from that baby. be strong, love, pray and continue on. Always know, even though we have never really meet., I do love you and your spirit. Richard from My Old Historic House.

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  4. OMG! My heart goes out to you...it is so sad for you to have your furry baby gone, I know the awful pain it causes, you see I lost my beloved 13 yr. old pug Ben last year and boy, do I still miss him so! You gave so much love to your darling and she to you, just cherish her time with you, it was a blessing. God bless you. FABBY

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  5. I'm so so sorry Andie. Shenanigan couldn't have had a more loving home. Please don't feel guilty, she knew just how much you loved her. And you saved her from needless pain. Vanna

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  6. She found you. She chose to come live with you. She was loved. It was a happy life. This is what you have to remember. Focus on the fact that you gave her a GOOD life. I'm an animal lover too. I dread the day that I may lose one of my beloved furry children. Hugs to you and your family.

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  7. A difficult summer for you. My nieces had to say goodbye to their dog recently. He was 15 years old and sick. They had him since he was a puppy. It was hard.
    Sending consoling thoughts and hugs towards your way.

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  8. Oh No Andie!

    I am getting ready to leave for the Kane County Flea and now I am crying at this sweet heartfelt post.

    We have two, as you know, and have had three others in our 26 year span of marriage.
    It is so hard to let go, and one of them went this exact same way... in my arms.

    I cried for days feeling like I made a decision and took a life that as not mine to take..... but suffering?

    When I think that your baby and mine were both suffering, then I know you (and I) did the right thing.

    They are so sweet and innocent. They can't tell us their pain and we love them so much we want to keep them forever...... but can't.

    You did the right thing.
    She is at peace now.

    And I know she is playing in your new boxwood gardens right now.

    Take care.
    So sorry.
    xox
    Alison

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  9. Andie...I'm so sorry. Please don't beat yourself up about this. You are a wonderful, compassionate pet owner.

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  10. Hello there dearest....I am so sorry to hear of this...there are no words really to try to comfort.

    Thank you for visiting and enjoying my silhouette. It means more to me than you will ever know...Anita

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  11. So sorry to hear about your furry friend! I have 3 seniors in my home(2 pugs and a yorkie) and am dreading the day when something happens to one of them. I still cry when I think of one of my babies that I had to put down because of an incurable illness. But then I think of the good life they had here with us! They were rescued dogs and came to our home to be spoiled and loved! Mary

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  12. I am so sorry, my sweet and gentle friend. But you did give her a wonderful life and it sounds like she was very happy. I hope you are able to love another little stray very soon.
    Love and big hugs, Cindy

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  13. Words can't express how sorry we are to hear about your loss. Be comforted by the fact that she knew how much you loved her!
    XO Angela and Renee

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  14. Oh, Andie! I'm so sorry about your beautiful kitty! My heart is breaking for you as I know that pain too well. One thing about it - you made her life better too and she knew you loved her! Poor little thing. But she's not in pain anymore. I just claim that our dear pets will be in Heaven. God made them for us and knows how much joy they give us, so I'm hoping in faith they will meet us when we enter the pearly gates.
    Blessings,
    Shelia ;)

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  15. Oh I'm so very sorry Andie... this Post brought tears to my eyes. I still miss my Rat Boy terribly, the house seems odd without her presence. When we welcome in our Fur Babies that society has thrown away, somehow they repay us a thousand fold with their extra special unconditional Love & appreciation for finally having a Home... all of our Cats have been Ferals or Strays, they chose us & perhaps that is why our bond has always been so special to me.

    Thanks for stopping by... its great that you Home School Gracie... I'm afraid my G-Kids would be in trouble if The Man or I attempted that because they're already way smarter than we are! *Smiles* And we've been out of School so very long... so I allow them to teach us... and they do, daily... as you know Prince R taught me about Blogging & helped me set mine up, he & his Sis inspire me & I stand in awe of how smart all the Young people are today!

    A big Bohemian Hug for you during your grief my Friend... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  16. oh!!!!!!!!!!!!! so sorry!!!
    but she had a gorgeous family and lots of love!
    she looks lovely !

    happy week,
    Rosa

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  17. I am so sorry of your loss...thinking of you ~

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  18. Andie, My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry about your loss. She knows you loved her as much as you know she loved you.

    Sending big hugs,
    Sherry

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  19. What a totally and movingly beautiful tribute to your beloved companion. I am so so so sorry, losing someone you love is a pain that is practically inconsolable and the only healer is time, but unfortuantely the time seems to move very very slow and healing is not a quick process. You gave her a beautiful life, you provided her a loving and nurturing home, you sang to her ( I havent sang once to Teddy) and clearly you were incredibly devoted. You gave her the gift of a beautiful and happy life, far more than many pets get. Focus on the beautiful time you spent together, she is no longer suffering and you absolutely made the right decision. Sending you a great big hug.

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  20. Andie, let me tell you something about Shenanigan. She waited for you to give her permission to be with her other kitty friends, and she never felt pain in your arms. I had a cat for 20 years, and after she passed, several days later I saw her in a dream, as a kitten, at the feet of Jesus. That was the peace that passes all understanding, and for those 2 seconds shown to me by God, I gained a lifetime of knowledge how pets are taken care of by God, named, remembered and are gifts to us on loan. She had a wonderful life, and you treated her perfectly, and the pain was not beyond her tolerance, as she would have passed out. As it was, you took her to the vet, and that's when God chose to call her home. Andie, you're a wonderful person, and do not regret one second with Shenanigan.

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  21. Oh Andie,
    I am so sorry for you!!! I noticed yet that you love animals a lot! As I do!!
    I do know that terrible feeling missing a friend!!
    Think of all the beautiful moments with your darling Shenanigan!And try to be thankfull! We are blessed with that special friendship we have with our dearest friends!
    xx
    Greet

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